I don’t know what changed, but I’ve been feeling really differently about returning to the US than all of the other times when I’ve thought about it. I’m actually looking forward to it. I think it hit me when I was trying to decide what to do this weekend, and I thought about the people who I really love back home and started really wishing I could see them instead. No explanations, no language barriers, and oh so much history.
I’m thankful, because the good always seems to overshadow the bad. But it’s not one dreamy train ride after another. In fact, I’ve started to feel like I’m a little bit bored of traveling. I’ve made a lot of trips in such a short time, and I’ve stopped feeling that magical sense of anticipation when I step of the train. I’m so used to wandering around unfamiliar places that I’ve kind of forgotten what it is I’m looking for. I definitely don’t think it’s lost forever (oh, certainly not). I’m just missing a boring routine to shake up or something.
I really miss my home. Or at least living in some place that feels like mine, and not the home of many others before me. I miss my bedsheets, and the art on my walls. My apartment here isn’t horrible by any means, but it’s a little dirtier than I’m used to and I am using things that others have used before me. I don’t always feel comfortable. I’m looking forward to being somewhere for a longer period of time so I can invest in things that make it feel like my own.
I think that feeling of transience is present in everything about my life here. I’ve watched many friends come and go, and soon I’ll be the one leaving. It can be hard when you don’t have time to figure out a rhythm. I’ve had my mind set on living and working in Columbus when I get back, and I’m looking forward to figuring out a (slightly) more permanent life there while building of relationships that already exist.
And here’s the thing, I don’t love teaching English. I’ve always known I never wanted to be a teacher (even though every personality test and my family have all told me otherwise). I just want to be creative! I want to be involved in projects and collaborations. And you better believe I’ve got ideas, so hopefully I will be able to make them come to life!
And will you believe it! I actually miss coffee back in the US. And even more, I totally miss coffee shop culture (Oh, Bakafe and Blackbird!). I wish I had my french press and some Cerulean coffee beans. Or really just a cup of coffee bigger than an espresso that isn’t made from instant coffee powder.
Of course, I’m pretty sure I’ll have a list of things I miss about living in France once I’m back because, if I really think about it, I want both. I want to be in a coffee shop with all my friends in the world, eating a buttery French croissant.
My flight home is the 1st of July, just in case you’re wondering. Because maybe you want to see me as much as I want to see you.